I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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