I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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