last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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