My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
did you just send me my own nude
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
