look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
