Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
