it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
