I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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