exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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