My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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