yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
