im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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