Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
