Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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