I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Alive.
So much puke
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
