I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
