nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
