The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
