Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
