Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
