I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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