If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
