Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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