I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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