I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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