I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
