Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
