The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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