I think I died a long time ago.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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