What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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