I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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