can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
