The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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