my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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