Acid is not a monday night drug
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
