I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
