Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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