when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
