I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
