no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
