Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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