Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
