i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
