the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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