I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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