Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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