operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize