I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
