do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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