My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
