You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
