Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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