Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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