Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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