New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
