OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Houston, we have a blender
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
