someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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