Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
