And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
