i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
