I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
