I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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