i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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