No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
babies were throwing up all over the place
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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