So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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