Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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